Who likes being “sick,” anyway?
But a good word to describe my current state in life would be “jumbled.” Picture an elaborate puzzle that represents my health, both physically and mentally. Now imagine that puzzle being flipped from the table it is lying on, scattering its pieces everywhere. It becomes a huge mess on the floor, and thus it would be a pretty good reflection of what I currently am, health-wise.
A jumbled mess.
Now imagine each piece representing something.
A piece for my hope.
A piece for my dreams.
A piece for my sense of confidence.
A piece for my mental stability.
A piece for my personal beliefs about life.
I could keep listing things, but the point is I haven’t felt “whole” for a few years now. I feel like it’s been a gradual search of picking up the pieces one at a time. There are fragments of the bigger picture of who I should be at this very moment, but there are situations where I can’t find the parts that will link everything together.
A jumbled mess. Nothing but a jumbled mess.
There are days where I become frustrated that things are not coming together as well as they could be. I feel like doubting myself, especially when that feeling of “give up” starts to creep up.
But I digress.
One just needs to continue searching for those missing pieces. No matter how long it takes. I guess the more I think about how much time it has taken me to search for these elusive pieces, the more I wonder how screwed up I really am at the moment.
I will admit that I took a lot of damage over the years. I suffered, but I lived. Somehow. What is left is just the aftermath of painful memories and personal bouts with doubt.
I realize the path to full recovery will entail me completing the picture at some point. I can definitely say with complete honesty that a “better me” is very possible in the near future … a “complete me” who has the competency to do amazing accomplishments and really leave a mark in this world.
A jumbled mess.
I really hate how my life has become riddled with inner misfortune that I can’t quite seem to get it all together when I really need to. I want to get better. I want to solve this puzzle that has been broken up for so many years.
But it hasn’t been all bad. Both directly and indirectly, some of my friends who have stuck around with me have tried to help me gather these missing pieces. They remind me with words of encouragement that the solution will come if I keep trying.
The name of the game is perseverance. Eventually, any puzzle can be solved if you keep at it. I must continue looking for the remaining clues.
A piece for my spirit.
A piece for my wisdom.
A piece for my creativity.
A piece for my willpower.
A piece for my … happiness.
A jumbled mess … Can I ever finish the picture inside my soul?
Filed under: Pham Fact, Rant, RESOLVE Tagged: Depression, Emotions, Health, Hope, Life, Mark Twain, Mental Health, Personal, Puzzles, Recovery, Spirit, Wisdom
